Many clients struggle to speak up for themselves — especially when the stakes feel high.
They fear being “too much,” causing conflict, or being rejected.
DBT’s DEAR MAN skill gives them a structured, compassionate way to communicate clearly without losing connection.
It’s one of the most practical interpersonal effectiveness tools in Dialectical Behavior Therapy — and one that clients can use immediately.
Here’s a simple, modern explanation you can share with clients.
What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is a step-by-step communication framework that helps clients:
- ask for what they need
- say “no” without guilt
- set boundaries
- express emotions clearly
- handle difficult conversations
- stay regulated while speaking up
It breaks the communication process into seven easy steps:
D – Describe
E – Express
A – Assert
R – Reinforce
M – Mindful
A – Appear Confident
N – Negotiate
Let’s walk through each part. (pin me)
D — Describe the Facts
Start with what actually happened, without judgment or emotion.
This keeps the conversation grounded and prevents defensiveness.
Example:
“When you canceled last-minute yesterday…”
Why it helps:
Facts feel safer than feelings.
E — Express Your Feelings
Share how the situation affected you emotionally.
Use “I” statements to avoid blame.
Example:
“…I felt really stressed because I had rearranged my whole day.”
Why it helps:
Emotion builds connection and clarity.
A — Assert What You Need
State your request or boundary clearly and kindly.
No hinting. No hoping the other person guesses.
Example:
“I need more notice when plans change.”
Why it helps:
Most conflict comes from unspoken needs.
R — Reinforce the Outcome
Explain how meeting your request benefits the relationship or situation.
Example:
“It’ll help me show up more fully and plan my time better.”
Why it helps:
People respond better when they understand mutual benefit.
M — Mindful (Stay on Track)
This means:
- staying focused
- not getting pulled into side arguments
- keeping your goal in mind
If the conversation drifts, gently bring it back.
Example:
“I hear that, but I want to come back to my request…”
A — Appear Confident
You don’t need to feel confident — just embody it:
- steady voice
- calm posture
- eye contact if comfortable
- slow breathing
Confidence makes your message clearer and safer for both sides.
N — Negotiate
Be willing to collaborate or find a middle ground.
Example:
“If 24 hours’ notice is hard, could you text me as soon as you know?”
Why it helps:
Real relationships require flexibility.
DEAR MAN in One Quick Script
Here’s what it sounds like all together:
“When you canceled last-minute yesterday (Describe),
I felt stressed because I changed my schedule (Express).
I need more notice when plans change (Assert).
It’ll help me stay balanced and show up better (Reinforce).
I want to stay focused on this request (Mindful).
I’m saying this calmly because it matters to me (Appear Confident).
If 24 hours isn’t possible, what could work for both of us? (Negotiate).”
Clients love this because it feels doable.
When to Teach DEAR MAN
Use it with clients who struggle with:
- people-pleasing
- over-explaining
- shutting down in conflict
- aggressive or passive communication
- boundary-setting
- asking for help
- relationship anxiety
It’s especially helpful for teens, couples, and clients with trauma histories who are re-learning how to advocate for themselves.
Make It Easier With a Worksheet
Most clients need practice before using DEAR MAN in real life.
A simple worksheet helps them:
- rehearse the conversation
- script their request
- identify emotional triggers
- plan for negotiation
- build confidence
Conclusion
DEAR MAN isn’t about winning a conversation.
It’s about communicating needs with clarity, confidence, and compassion — in a way that keeps relationships healthy and boundaries intact.
With practice, clients start to realize:
- they can ask for things
- they can say no
- they can express emotion without conflict
DEAR MAN is a skill that builds empowerment — one conversation at a time.
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