Continuing bonds grief activities help a client explore how they relate to someone who has died through memories, chosen practices and what they carry forward. The aim is not to make everyone maintain a bond, forgive the person or feel comfort. The client’s preferences, relationship history and response determine whether an exercise is useful.
This guide provides eight original therapist-led activities, with materials, exact invitations, examples, debriefs and adaptations. It focuses on bereavement following a death. Non-death losses may call for a different formulation. These are educational session ideas, not a validated treatment programme or a replacement for assessment.
What does continuing bonds mean in grief work?
The phrase describes an ongoing inner relationship with the person who died. A person might remember a saying, keep an object, revisit a tradition or think about how the relationship has shaped them. A bond may be comforting, painful, mixed or unwanted; its presence alone does not establish whether someone is coping well.
Hewson and colleagues’ systematic review included 79 studies and identified both comfort and distress among the experiences described. It does not establish that retaining a bond is universally better than relinquishing it. Use that uncertainty to support individual assessment rather than prescribing a particular form of remembrance.
Choose an activity with the client, not by a grief timetable
Ask, “Would it feel useful to explore some part of your relationship with them, or is something else more important today?” Check what is most pressing, the meaning of the relationship and what support is available. Readiness is not determined by a fixed number of months or a required treatment phase.
| Client’s task | Activity to consider |
|---|---|
| Recognise the relationship beyond the death | Relationship Map |
| Explore mixed meanings of a possession | One Object, Several Meanings |
| Choose what to continue or change | What I Carry Forward |
| Express something without sending it | Short Unsent Note |
| Decide how to mark an occasion | Small, Changeable Ritual |
| Manage others’ expectations | Sharing and Remembering Choices |
Explain that the client may pause, decline, change format or leave a page unfinished. Choose a manageable starting point and allow time afterwards to check what they need. If an activity increases distress or leaves the client feeling less present, stop and reassess; more detail is not automatically better. Immediate concerns and appropriate clinical support take priority over completing an exercise.
1. Relationship Map: More Than the Death
Materials and timing: Paper and a pen; roughly 10–15 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Invite the client to place a name, initial or chosen symbol in the centre. Around it, add roles, ordinary experiences, unfinished matters and qualities associated with the relationship. The client chooses what to include and what to leave private. Ask about one item rather than reading meaning into the whole map.
Therapist invitation and example: “We can include what you miss, what was difficult and things that do not fit either category. What would you like this page to recognise?” A client adds shared breakfasts and a disagreement, keeping both on the page.
Debrief: Which part of the relationship needs recognition today? Adaptation: Use a spoken list, separate cards or therapist scribing. A map does not have to be affectionate, complete or shared with family.
2. One Object, Several Meanings
Materials and timing: An optional object, photograph or its description; roughly 10 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Ask permission to discuss an ordinary item connected with the person. Explore what it represents, how it feels to encounter it and whether its current place fits the client’s wishes. Consider options such as keeping it visible, putting it away for now or making no decision.
Therapist invitation and example: “You do not need to bring it here. What is it like when you notice it?” A mug represents affection on some days and a painful reminder on others; the client chooses when to use it.
Debrief: Does your current arrangement feel chosen, pressured or difficult to change? Adaptation: Use a neutral description if sensory detail feels too intense. Do not require handling possessions, sorting belongings or discarding anything as proof of progress.
3. What I Carry Forward—and What I Do Not
Materials and timing: Two columns on paper; roughly 10–15 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Invite qualities, skills, expressions or traditions the client associates with the relationship. They can select something to continue, change or leave behind. Link one chosen quality to a small action in current life, without suggesting they must find a gift in the death.
Therapist invitation and example: “You can value one part of the relationship without keeping everything.” A client chooses a grandparent’s interest in gardening but not their harsh way of correcting mistakes.
Debrief: What would carrying this forward look like in your own way? Adaptation: For a harmful or ambivalent relationship, explore chosen boundaries or what the client wants to do differently. No positive legacy is required.
4. A Short Unsent Note
Materials and timing: A private page or dictated words; start with a few sentences. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Offer optional beginnings: something I remember, something I wish you understood, or something I want to say today. Agree in advance whether the therapist will hear any of it. Stop after a manageable portion and check what the client needs before deciding whether to continue.
Therapist invitation and example: “You do not have to finish, read it aloud or imagine a reply.” A client writes, “I miss our calls, and I am angry about what we never discussed.” Both experiences can remain.
Debrief: What was it like to write that, and what would help now? Adaptation: The client controls whether to keep, store or dispose of the note. Do not assign an emotionally intense letter for unsupported homework or promise catharsis, forgiveness or closure.
If a prepared page would reduce setup, the Continuing Bonds in Grief Worksheets listing includes Relationship Map, What I Carry Forward, connection practices and an unsent-letter exercise. It is an optional resource; the instructions above can be used with ordinary paper. This article’s wording is original and is not a promise that every activity appears in the pack.
5. Design a Small, Changeable Ritual
Materials and timing: Paper; optional ordinary materials chosen by the client. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Explore whether the client wants a remembrance practice at all. If yes, agree its purpose, setting, approximate length, who is involved and how to stop or change it. Rehearse only the planning steps needed; a ritual can be private and nonreligious.
Therapist invitation and example: “Would marking this day help, or would you prefer not to?” A client chooses a short walk past a shared place with a friend, with permission to turn back.
Debrief: Does the ritual support the life you want now, or feel like a rule you must obey? Adaptation: Respect cultural and spiritual meanings and the client’s individual preference within them. Avoid fire, costly purchases or actions that create practical risk as default suggestions.
6. A Memory with Room for the Present
Materials and timing: One brief memory and a blank card; roughly 10 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Ask whether the client wants to name an ordinary memory without recounting the death. Explore what the memory means now. Then ask what they would like to do after the session, keeping the memory and the present-day need side by side.
Therapist invitation and example: “We can remember the kitchen conversation and also plan how you will get through this afternoon.” The client chooses a meal with a friend after talking about a shared recipe.
Debrief: What would help you carry this memory without having to stay with it continuously? Adaptation: Keep the memory brief or use a factual description if vivid imagery is unwanted. This is not a trauma-processing exercise or an instruction to replace painful memories.
7. Connection and Everyday-Life Choice Map
Materials and timing: Two circles with space between them; roughly 10–15 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Invite the client to name one way they currently remember the person and one part of everyday life needing attention. Explore how both might fit without requiring equal time or a fixed balance. Identify support for the everyday need rather than treating connection as an obstacle by default.
Therapist invitation and example: “Going to the appointment does not have to mean leaving the relationship behind.” A client keeps a chosen photo in a bag and asks someone to help with transport.
Debrief: What makes participation in daily life feel possible, and what gets in the way? Adaptation: Avoid quotas for grieving and rebuilding. The map is an optional conversation aid, not a diagnostic test or a score of adaptation.
8. My Choice about Sharing and Remembering
Materials and timing: A private list or conversation; roughly 10 minutes. Timing is flexible.
How to run it: Discuss who may see memories, hear stories or join a remembrance activity. Practise one boundary around an invitation, anniversary or shared possession. Include a backup if relatives disagree; family members can grieve differently.
Therapist invitation and example: “I want to keep the recording private for now. I will let you know if that changes.” Rehearse a neutral response to a relative who wants it shared.
Debrief: What is within your control, and where do you need practical or professional support? Adaptation: Consider consent, ownership and privacy before sharing recordings or online material. Do not pressure reconciliation or present a simple script as a solution to coercion or legal disputes.
Worked example: keeping a connection without creating a new obligation
In this fictional example, Jordan misses Sunday cooking with their father but feels pressured by relatives to host the same meal every week. The therapist asks what Jordan wants from the conversation before offering a remembrance exercise. Jordan wants to keep the recipe without taking on a weekly duty.
They use What I Carry Forward. Jordan selects the pleasure of sharing food, not the expectation of always being the host. Together they consider cooking once with a friend when it feels manageable. Jordan does not commit to a schedule or a positive emotional outcome.
Next they rehearse a boundary: “I want to keep the recipe, but I am not hosting every Sunday. I will let you know if I choose another occasion.” The therapist asks what response Jordan expects and what practical support would help if the family pushes back.
Before finishing, they check how Jordan feels, what remains active and what would help with the rest of the day. At follow-up, they review whether the chosen practice felt supportive, burdensome, mixed or unhelpful. They can revise or abandon it without framing that as disloyalty.
Adaptations, cultural context and follow-up
When the relationship was difficult
Allow anger, relief, uncertainty and a wish for distance. Do not require a positive memory, imagined reply, gratitude or forgiveness. An exercise may focus on what the client chooses not to repeat, or the client may prefer another form of support entirely. The therapist should not speak as though they know what the person who died would say.
For groups and adolescents
In groups, explain privacy limits and use fictional examples before inviting personal material. Allow observation and passing; do not require reading letters aloud or displaying possessions. Plan how individual support will be offered if needed. For adolescents, adjust language and communication options and consider caregiver involvement according to the client’s wishes, the setting and applicable requirements. The activities are not a complete youth-bereavement intervention.
For telehealth and between-session use
Confirm appropriate privacy, communication and support arrangements. Avoid requiring camera tours, personal recordings or digital access to private material. If between-session practice is appropriate, agree a small activity already tested together, a stopping point and a follow-up plan. Do not assign intense imagery or unfinished-business work without suitable assessment and support.
For broader worksheet selection, see grief counselling worksheets for therapists. For wider clinical context, see supporting clients through grief. The wider Grief & Loss Worksheet Bundle is a related preparation option; choose individual materials for the client rather than treating the pack as a mandatory sequence.
Frequently asked questions
Does everyone need a continuing bond?
No. Do not prescribe closeness, rituals or ongoing communication. Explore what the client wants and whether a particular practice supports or complicates their current life.
Is keeping a possession evidence that grief is stuck?
Not by itself. Explore its meaning, how it is used, the client’s choice and the wider pattern of functioning and distress. A single object or behaviour is insufficient for a clinical conclusion.
When should these activities be introduced?
Use individual assessment rather than a universal stage or timetable. A brief conversation about an ordinary memory differs from emotionally intense letter or imagery work. The client can choose not to explore the relationship today.
What if the activity makes grief more painful?
Acknowledge the response, pause and check what is needed. Increased pain is not proof that the exercise must continue or that it is working. Review suitability, current support and the wider treatment plan.
Is writing a letter enough to treat prolonged grief disorder?
No. These activities do not establish a diagnosis or substitute for an appropriate assessment and treatment plan. Persistent distress or impairment needs individual clinical attention; an activity list is not a treatment protocol.
Sources and limits
Hewson, Galbraith, Jones and Heath, The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review (first published online 2023; issue publication 2024), provides the research context. The Loss Foundation’s continuing-the-bond resource offers specialist bereavement education. These sources do not validate the eight original activities as a standalone treatment. No clinical reviewer attribution or guaranteed outcome is implied.