DEAR MAN is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for making a clear request or saying no. The DEAR steps organise the message; MAN guides how the conversation continues. A well-prepared request can still receive a no: the other person's response is not fully within the client's control.
This guide gives therapists five original teen and adult scripts, responses to realistic pushback and a reusable role-play plan. Use the examples as starting points, then replace the wording with language the client would actually use.
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
| Step | Client planning prompt |
|---|---|
| Describe | Which observable event does the other person need to understand? |
| Express | What feeling or perspective do I want to communicate? |
| Assert | What exactly am I asking for or declining? |
| Reinforce | What honest benefit or appreciation can I explain? |
| Mindful | How will I return to my objective if the conversation wanders? |
| Appear confident | What delivery will help my message come through, even if I feel uncertain? |
| Negotiate | Which alternatives could work, and where is my limit? |
These are practice prompts, not seven compulsory sentences. For example, a client does not have to announce, “I am appearing confident.” Practise the message first and then how to respond. Keep the wording brief enough to remember; a written note or accessible communication method can support delivery.
Choose a suitable conversation before writing the script
Ask: “At the end of this conversation, what would you like the other person to do?” Turn a broad aim such as “respect me” into a specific request such as “stop using that nickname.” Check whether this person has the authority and practical ability to respond.
Discuss three priorities: the concrete objective, the relationship and the client's self-respect. DEAR MAN centres the objective. GIVE and FAST can help consider relationship and self-respect priorities; see the DBT interpersonal effectiveness therapist's guide for the broader skill selection.
- Timing: Where and when could this conversation happen with enough privacy and attention?
- Readiness: Does the client want a pause, support or a smaller rehearsal before approaching it?
- Context: What do age, dependence, workplace power, culture or previous responses change about the plan?
- Limits: Which details are flexible? Which boundary does the client want to keep?
If there is intimidation, coercion or a credible risk of harm, assess support and safety before rehearsing direct confrontation. Communication practice does not make another person's behaviour safe. Start with a fictional or lower-stakes conversation when that is a better fit.
1. Teen DEAR MAN example: asking for clearer instructions
Objective: Ask a teacher to show which part of an assignment to start. The young person chooses a private conversation rather than speaking in front of the class.
“The assignment sheet lists a written section and a presentation, and I haven't worked out which one to start. I'm feeling stuck. Could you show me the first step after class? Knowing where to begin would help me get started today.”
DEAR map: The assignment details describe the situation; “feeling stuck” expresses the impact; the request identifies a short next step; the final sentence explains its benefit.
MAN practice: Keep the focus on identifying the first step rather than explaining every previous assignment difficulty. The teen can read the request from a note. Negotiate the timing or an alternative explanation if the teacher is unavailable.
Possible pushback: “I have another class straight away.” Practised response: “Could you write the first step on my sheet, or tell me when I can ask you?”
Therapist debrief: “Was the request clear enough for the teacher to answer? Which way of asking felt usable?” Separate an everyday clarification request from formal access arrangements; an agreed accommodation is not something the teen has to earn with a persuasive script.
Adaptation: Rehearse a short email or supported conversation if speaking directly is a barrier. Check who can help if the first person cannot provide the support.
2. Teen DEAR MAN example: asking a friend to stop a joke
Objective: Ask a friend to stop using an unwanted nickname. Use this example for an ordinary friendship situation where a direct request is reasonably safe.
“You called me that nickname twice at lunch today. I felt embarrassed, and I don't like it. Please use my name instead. I'd enjoy hanging out more without worrying about that joke.”
DEAR map: The client identifies a specific event, names their experience, asks for a different behaviour and explains the positive effect on spending time together.
MAN practice: Prepare one brief return to the request. Choose a setting without an audience if that helps. The nickname boundary can stay firm while the time and place for talking remain flexible.
Possible pushback: “It's just a joke.” Practised response: “I get that you meant it as a joke. I still want you to use my name.”
Therapist debrief: “Could you acknowledge their view without withdrawing your request? If it continues, who could support you and what would you choose next?” Repeated humiliation or bullying calls for a broader support plan, rather than endless repetitions of the script.
Adaptation: Let the teen choose their own language: “Please stop calling me that” may fit better than a longer explanation. Do not insist on eye contact or a particular accent, posture or emotional expression.
3. Adult DEAR MAN example: sharing a household task
Objective: Agree who handles the kitchen on two particular evenings. This example concerns a shared home where discussion is safe and both people can participate.
“I've cleaned the kitchen after dinner on each weekday this week. I'm tired, and I'd like us to share that task. Could you take Tuesday and Thursday evenings next week? That would give me time to rest, and we'd both know which evenings are ours.”
DEAR map: The script uses a checkable recent pattern rather than “you never help,” describes the impact, makes a specific request and explains the practical benefit.
MAN practice: Return to next week's arrangement instead of debating every household disagreement. Say the request at a manageable pace or share it in writing. Negotiate days or another comparable task if that fits both people's circumstances.
Possible pushback: “I work late on Thursdays.” Practised response: “Would Tuesday and Friday work, or is there another evening you can take?”
Therapist debrief: “Is the proposed division realistic? What would count as an agreement, and when would you check whether it works?” Avoid treating fairness as a fixed formula without considering health, disability, caring responsibilities and capacity.
Adaptation: Use a visible task list if remembering the agreement is the main difficulty. Change the request to a smaller task rather than assuming the problem is unwillingness.
Optional planning resource: If a reusable worksheet suits your sessions, view the interpersonal effectiveness resource and check current availability. The listing includes DEAR MAN planning, GIVE, FAST and reflection materials. The examples here can also be practised with an ordinary sheet of paper.
4. Adult DEAR MAN example: clarifying competing deadlines
Objective: Ask a manager to identify which of two tasks takes priority. Discuss workplace power and the client's circumstances before deciding how to approach it.
“The report and the new presentation are both due tomorrow morning. With the work remaining, I don't think I can finish both to the required standard by then. Could you tell me which to complete first and agree a later deadline for the other? That would let me focus on the most urgent work and give you a realistic delivery time.”
DEAR map: The deadlines establish the situation, the capacity statement expresses the client's assessment, the question asks for a decision and the final sentence explains why prioritising helps.
MAN practice: Keep attention on priorities and available time. Bring a brief workload list if useful. Negotiate scope, timing or assistance without promising work the client cannot reasonably complete.
Possible pushback: “They're both urgent.” Practised response: “If both deadlines stay, could we reduce the scope or arrange help? Which option would you prefer?”
Therapist debrief: “Was the capacity limit understandable? Which options were genuinely available? What support would you want if the request was dismissed?” This is communication rehearsal, not a prediction of the employer's response.
Adaptation: Practise an email with two clear options if an unplanned conversation tends to become confusing. Consider the client's preferred support channels rather than assuming directness carries the same consequences in every workplace.
5. Adult DEAR MAN example: declining an optional commitment
Objective: Decline an extra voluntary shift while keeping an existing commitment. An alternative is optional; the client does not have to invent one to make their refusal acceptable.
“You've asked me to cover the extra Saturday shift. I'm already stretched this week, and I need that time for my existing plans. I can't take the extra shift. I'll still be there for the shift we agreed, so you can plan around that.”
DEAR map: The request provides the context, the client states their perspective, the refusal is explicit and the final sentence clarifies a commitment they can keep.
MAN practice: Rehearse the refusal without adding a new justification each time. A clear message can be delivered while feeling anxious. Negotiate only what the client actually wants to offer; the Saturday limit can remain unchanged.
Possible pushback: “Can't you rearrange your plans?” Practised response: “I'm keeping those plans. I can't cover Saturday.”
Therapist debrief: “Did extra explanations make the refusal clearer, or open another debate? Which existing commitment can you honestly confirm?” Reinforcing a message does not mean buying permission to have a boundary.
Adaptation: Start with a lower-stakes fictional invitation if declining feels too difficult to practise with a real example. Let the client decide whether to offer a future date; do not add one automatically.
How to run a DEAR MAN role-play in session
Materials: Paper or a shared document, the chosen script and one agreed response from the other person. Allow room for preparation, two short rehearsals and discussion rather than treating this as a speed test.
- Agree the target. Ask: “What one request or refusal shall we practise?” Select a manageable situation and agree a stop signal. The client can observe a model first.
- Draft the message. Write a few sentences in the client's language. Ask them to underline the actual request. If it cannot be found, make it more specific.
- Choose delivery supports. Ask: “Would you prefer to read, speak, type or have me model it?” Agree what would make the message understandable without requiring a particular performance of confidence.
- Run a cooperative round. The therapist plays the other person and gives a straightforward response. Practise expressing the request before adding difficulty.
- Invite feedback. Ask: “What sounded like you? What would you change?” Give one concrete observation, such as “I could identify the Tuesday request.”
- Run one agreed pushback. Tell the client which reply you will use. Rehearse returning to the objective, considering an alternative or ending the exchange. Avoid surprise criticism.
- Decide what comes next. Repeat a revised version, choose a smaller practice or leave it as an in-session exercise. Real-world use is a collaborative decision.
Therapist invitation: “I can play the other person and say, ‘I'm busy that day.’ Shall we practise one response to that, or would you prefer to hear a model first?”
A useful observer notices whether the request was identifiable, whether an alternative remained within the client's limits and whether the client had a way to stop. Avoid rating the client on looking relaxed, winning agreement or suppressing emotion.
What can the client say when there is pushback?
| Other person's response | Possible reply | Review question |
|---|---|---|
| “I don't have time today.” | “Is tomorrow possible, or is there someone else who can help?” | Is timing flexible, or does the client need another route? |
| “You're being selfish.” | “I hear that you're upset. I'm still not available on Saturday.” | Can the client keep the boundary without defending their whole character? |
| “That's not what happened.” | “Let's check the dates. My request for next week is still to share the task.” | Does a factual correction change the request? |
| “No, I can't do that.” | “Thanks for telling me. I'll consider another option.” | Is there a useful alternative, or is this a point to end the exchange? |
Repeating a request can help maintain focus, but repetition is not a reason to keep pressuring someone after a clear refusal. Decide in advance when to pause or end the conversation. Negotiation can concern timing, scope or practical options; it does not require surrendering safety or a chosen limit.
Adapt DEAR MAN practice for groups, teens and telehealth
Groups: Offer fictional situations and an observer role. Participants can pass. In pairs, one person delivers a request and the other uses a single agreed reply; then discuss what made the request understandable. Avoid requiring disclosures about relationships or asking peers to improvise hostile responses. For a wider session menu, see 30 DBT activities for therapy sessions.
Teens: Ask whose decision it is and who could support the request. Adults may control access or permissions, so a no may reflect that context rather than a skill deficit. Use familiar language and check whether rehearsal resembles the actual setting.
Telehealth: Check privacy before using a personal example. Share a blank planning page or practise verbally. Agree how to signal a pause, and avoid recording or sharing identifiable scripts without an appropriate agreement.
Communication access: Use short phrases, extra processing time, written messages, an interpreter or the client's usual communication system where appropriate. Confidence should not become a demand to mask disability, force eye contact or conceal understandable emotion.
A simple DEAR MAN planning page
Copy these prompts onto an ordinary page. The client can answer in brief notes rather than filling every space.
- Person and situation:
- My specific request or refusal:
- Facts they need to know:
- What I feel or think about it:
- An honest benefit or appreciation:
- The short message I want to use:
- What may distract me, and how I will return to my objective:
- Delivery support I want:
- Options I could accept:
- My limit and when I will stop:
- What support or next step I might need:
Try reading the draft aloud or reviewing it in the chosen communication format. Remove details that obscure the request; keep details needed to make it understandable.
Review the attempt without reducing success to “they said yes”
At the next session, separate the client's actions from the other person's response. Ask: “What did you ask? What happened? What helped you communicate? What would you change?” A refusal may supply useful information about available options; it does not by itself prove poor skill use.
Review whether the request was clear, whether the client stayed within their limits and whether the plan fitted the context. If the conversation became unsafe or overwhelming, revisit support and the choice of situation before repeating it. Agree one next step: revise the wording, choose another person, seek practical help or stop pursuing that objective.
For repeated session use: check the interpersonal effectiveness resource's format and availability if you prefer prepared planning materials. The resource is optional; the scripts and planning prompts above provide a complete starting point.
Frequently asked questions about DEAR MAN examples
Do clients have to say all seven parts aloud?
No. DEAR helps organise the message; MAN concerns the ongoing interaction. A short natural request can cover several prompts at once. Avoid turning the conversation into a recital of the acronym.
Can DEAR MAN be used to say no?
Yes. Practise a direct refusal, any context the client wants to share and a response to a likely follow-up. An alternative is optional, and negotiation does not have to change the refusal.
What if the client is anxious while practising?
Choose a manageable rehearsal, offer a model and let the client use notes or another communication format. They do not have to feel confident before expressing a request. Review what made the task usable.
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST?
DEAR MAN focuses on an interpersonal objective. GIVE concerns relationship effectiveness, and FAST concerns self-respect effectiveness. Consider all three priorities when choosing how to approach a particular conversation.
What if the other person still says no?
Review whether there is a workable alternative, another source of support or a reason to end the exchange. A clear request cannot guarantee agreement. Consider the context before deciding more rehearsal is needed.
Are these scripts official DBT worksheets?
No. These are original educational examples and rehearsal suggestions, not reproduced manual handouts or a separately validated intervention. Adapt them within your clinical formulation and the client's circumstances.
Source and practice note
The acronym and objective-focused use are described in Guilford's DEAR MAN chapter excerpt from Real Skills for Real Life by Shireen L. Rizvi and Jesse Finkelstein. The scripts, planning prompts and session adaptations on this page are original illustrations. No publisher worksheet is reproduced.