Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness, care and understanding you would offer a good friend who is struggling. Researcher Kristin Neff describes it as three parts: self-kindness instead of self-judgement, common humanity instead of isolation, and mindfulness instead of over-identifying with painful feelings. Below are 15 self-compassion exercises for therapy sessions with adults and teens, plus how to work with clients who resist it.
What are the 3 components of self-compassion?
| Component | Instead of... | Sounds like |
|---|---|---|
| Self-kindness | Harsh self-judgement | "This is really hard. It's okay that I'm struggling." |
| Common humanity | Feeling isolated, as if it's "just me" | "Lots of people feel this way. I'm not alone." |
| Mindfulness | Over-identifying with or avoiding the pain | "I'm noticing I feel ashamed right now." |
Why is self-compassion useful in therapy?
Many clients carry a harsh inner critic that keeps shame, anxiety, depression and perfectionism going. Self-compassion offers a different way to respond to difficulty. It's not about lowering standards. It's about not attacking yourself when you fall short. Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by Paul Gilbert, builds on this idea. It suggests self-criticism keeps the body's threat system active, and compassion helps activate the soothing system.
15 self-compassion exercises for therapy
Foundations
- How would you treat a friend? Ask the client to recall a time a friend struggled and write what they said or did. Then write how they treat themselves in the same situation. Explore the gap.
- The self-compassion break. In a hard moment, the client says three phrases, one for each component. "This is a moment of suffering." "Suffering is part of being human." "May I be kind to myself right now." Help clients find words that feel natural to them.
- Notice the inner critic. For a week, the client records self-critical thoughts, the situation, and the tone of voice the critic uses. Naming the critic, for example "The Judge", creates distance.
- Soothing touch. Placing a hand on the heart, giving yourself a gentle hug or holding your own hand can calm the body. Invite clients to experiment and find what feels comfortable.
Writing exercises
- Compassionate letter. The client writes a letter to themselves about something they feel ashamed of, from the perspective of a kind, wise friend who knows everything about them and accepts them.
- Reframe the critic. Take a harsh self-criticism, like "You're so lazy", and rewrite it as a compassionate coach would say it: "You're exhausted. What would help you get started on one small part?"
- Common humanity list. The client writes down a struggle, then lists the other people who might be going through something similar right now. This counters "it's only me".
- Self-compassion journal. Each evening, the client notes one hard moment, how they responded to themselves, and what a kinder response could have been.
Imagery and mindfulness
- Compassionate image. Guide the client to imagine an ideal compassionate figure, real or imagined, who is wise, strong, warm and non-judgemental. What would this figure say to them right now?
- Loving-kindness practice. Offer kind wishes, starting with someone easy to care about, then the self: "May I be safe. May I be well. May I be at ease."
- Soothing breathing rhythm. Slow the breath to a comfortable, even pace for a few minutes before a compassion practice to settle the body.
- Name it to tame it. Gently name the emotion ("This is fear", "This is grief") without judgement. This is the mindfulness component in action.
For teens and groups
- Best-friend role play. In pairs, one person reads out a self-critical thought and the other responds as a supportive best friend. Then swap and try saying it to yourself.
- Inner critic vs inner coach. Draw or describe both characters. What does each one say? Which one helps you actually improve?
- Kindness texts. Teens write the text message they would send a friend after a bad day, then save it in their phone notes to read to themselves when they need it.
What if a client resists self-compassion?
Resistance is common. CFT describes "fears of compassion". Clients may believe self-compassion will make them lazy, weak or selfish. For some, kindness feels unsafe or unfamiliar because of past experiences.
- Explore the fear directly: "What do you worry would happen if you were kinder to yourself?"
- Look at the evidence: "Has being harsh with yourself actually helped you improve?"
- Use the coach metaphor: Which coach gets better results, one who screams at players or one who is encouraging and honest?
- Start small: Begin with compassion for others, or with "less harsh" rather than "kind".
- Normalise discomfort: Some clients feel grief or sadness when they first practise. That can be a sign it's meaningful, not that it's wrong.
Self-compassion and self-worth resources
- Self-Worth Worksheets for Adults: for adult clients with a harsh inner critic.
- Self-Worth Therapy Toolkit for Teens: a workbook, cards and games for adolescents.
- Self-Esteem Worksheets: printable activities for building self-esteem.
- Want everything? The Therapist Resource Vault gives you every worksheet, workbook and game in the shop, plus all new releases, for $70 every 3 months.
Related reading: 20 self-worth activities for adolescents · 30 self-esteem activities for teens · 30 nervous system regulation exercises
Frequently asked questions
What's the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem?
Self-esteem is about evaluating yourself positively, and it often depends on success or comparison. Self-compassion is about how you treat yourself, especially when you fail or struggle. It doesn't require feeling better than anyone else.
Is self-compassion the same as self-pity?
No. Self-pity tends to feel isolating, like "Why does this always happen to me?" Self-compassion includes common humanity, the recognition that struggle is part of everyone's life, which helps people feel connected rather than alone.
Does self-compassion make people complacent?
Many clients worry about this. Self-compassion isn't about avoiding responsibility. It's about responding to mistakes in a way that makes it easier to learn and try again, rather than shutting down in shame.
Can self-compassion be used with teenagers?
Yes. Teens often have a very loud inner critic, especially around social media, appearance and school. Concrete, relatable exercises like best-friend role plays and kindness texts tend to work better than long meditations.
Who developed the concept of self-compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff defined self-compassion in research terms and created the Self-Compassion Scale. Paul Gilbert developed Compassion Focused Therapy, a therapy approach centred on building compassion.
These resources are for use by qualified practitioners and don't replace clinical judgement, assessment or supervision.