Assertive communication means expressing your needs, feelings and opinions clearly and respectfully, while also respecting the other person. It sits between passive communication (putting others first and staying quiet) and aggressive communication (putting yourself first at others' expense). Below you'll find the four communication styles side by side, 20 assertive scripts for real situations, practical techniques and activities to use in session.
What are the 4 communication styles?
| Style | Core message | What it looks like | Common result |
|---|---|---|---|
| Passive | "Your needs matter, mine don't." | Agreeing to avoid conflict, quiet voice, apologising, avoiding eye contact | Resentment, anxiety, needs not met |
| Aggressive | "My needs matter, yours don't." | Blaming, yelling, interrupting, threats, sarcasm | Conflict, damaged relationships, guilt |
| Passive-aggressive | "I'll seem fine, but you'll pay for it." | Silent treatment, backhanded comments, "forgetting", sulking | Confusion, mistrust, unresolved conflict |
| Assertive | "My needs matter, and so do yours." | Clear "I" statements, calm tone, eye contact, listening | Respect, problem-solving, healthier relationships |
Passive vs aggressive vs assertive examples
Situation: A friend is always late
- Passive: "Oh, no worries, I only just got here too." (You've been waiting 30 minutes.)
- Aggressive: "You're so selfish. You never respect anyone's time."
- Passive-aggressive: "Wow, nice of you to finally show up."
- Assertive: "When you're late, I feel frustrated because I've rushed to get here. Could you text me if you're running behind?"
Situation: Being asked to take on extra work
- Passive: "Sure, I can do that." (You're already overloaded.)
- Aggressive: "Are you serious? Do it yourself."
- Passive-aggressive: Saying yes, then doing it badly and late.
- Assertive: "I can't take that on this week without something else slipping. Which of my current tasks should I put on hold?"
Situation: A partner looks at their phone while you're talking
- Passive: Stopping mid-sentence and saying nothing.
- Aggressive: "You obviously don't care about anything I say."
- Passive-aggressive: "Don't worry, I'll just talk to the wall."
- Assertive: "I'd really like your full attention for a few minutes. Can you put your phone down while we talk?"
The assertive "I" statement formula
When [specific behaviour], I feel [emotion] because [reason]. I'd like [clear request].
Example: "When plans change at the last minute, I feel stressed because I've organised my day around them. I'd like at least a day's notice when possible."
20 assertive communication scripts
Saying no
- "Thanks for thinking of me, but I can't this time."
- "I'm not able to take that on right now."
- "That doesn't work for me, but I could do [alternative]."
- "I need to think about it. I'll get back to you tomorrow."
- "No, thank you." (A full sentence on its own.)
Setting a boundary
- "I'm not comfortable discussing that."
- "I'm happy to talk when we can both stay calm. I'm going to take a break."
- "Please don't comment on my weight."
- "I need some time to myself tonight."
- "I won't continue this conversation if you keep raising your voice."
Asking for what you need
- "Could you help me with this? I'm finding it hard on my own."
- "I'd like more notice before plans change."
- "It would mean a lot to me if you asked how my day went."
- "Can we split the chores more evenly? Here's what I was thinking."
- "I need you to let me finish before you respond."
Disagreeing or giving feedback
- "I see it differently. Can I explain my view?"
- "I appreciate the effort you put in. One thing I'd change is..."
- "I hear what you're saying, and I still disagree."
- "That comment hurt. I'd like you not to say that again."
- "I made a mistake and I'm sorry. Here's how I'll fix it." (Being assertive includes owning mistakes.)
Assertiveness techniques
- DEAR MAN (DBT): Describe the situation, Express feelings, Assert the request, Reinforce the benefits, stay Mindful, Appear confident and Negotiate. This is ideal for planning a hard conversation.
- Broken record: Calmly repeat your request or "no" without getting drawn into arguments.
- Fogging: Acknowledge any truth in criticism without getting defensive, for example "You might be right that I could have called earlier."
- Workable compromise: Offer a middle ground when both people's needs are valid.
- Pause before answering: "Let me check and get back to you" gives people-pleasers time to choose.
Assertiveness activities for therapy
- Style sort: Read out statements and have the client or group sort them into passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or assertive.
- Rewrite it: Give clients passive or aggressive statements to rewrite assertively using the "I" statement formula.
- Role-play ladder: Start with low-stakes scenarios (returning a wrong coffee order) and build to harder ones (setting a boundary with family).
- Body language practice: Practise the same sentence in passive, aggressive and assertive body language, and notice the difference.
- Rights list: Have the client write their own list of personal rights, such as "I have the right to say no without explaining", and identify which ones feel hardest to believe.
- Barriers check: Explore what gets in the way, for example fear of rejection, guilt or past consequences. For some clients, especially those with a trauma history, passivity was once protective.
Assertiveness and boundary resources
- DEARMAN in Action: a DBT role-play game for practising assertive requests (teens and adults).
- Boundaries in Action: a boundary-setting card game for teens and groups.
- Boundaries Worksheets: 33 Exercises: for adults and adolescents.
- Want everything? The Therapist Resource Vault gives you every worksheet, workbook and game in the shop, plus all new releases, for $70 every 3 months.
Related reading: DEAR MAN explained · How to help clients set boundaries · Teen therapy role-play scenarios
Frequently asked questions
What is an example of assertive communication?
"When you interrupt me, I feel frustrated because I lose my train of thought. I'd like you to let me finish, then I'll listen to you." It names the behaviour, the feeling and a clear request, without blaming.
Is being assertive the same as being rude?
No. Assertiveness respects both people. Rudeness or aggression disregards the other person. People who are used to being passive often feel like they're being rude when they first try assertiveness. That's usually discomfort, not rudeness.
Why do some people struggle to be assertive?
Common reasons include fear of conflict or rejection, guilt, low self-worth, cultural or family norms, and past experiences where speaking up wasn't safe. For some people, staying passive or "fawning" was a survival strategy.
Is assertiveness always the right choice?
Not always. In unsafe situations, such as with a violent person, safety comes first. Assertiveness is a skill to choose when it's safe and useful, not a rule.
How do you teach assertiveness to teens?
Use real teen scenarios like group chats, friends borrowing things or peer pressure. Start with low-stakes role plays and let teens write scripts in their own words so they sound natural.
These resources are for use by qualified practitioners and don't replace clinical judgement, assessment or supervision.